Monday, April 26, 2010

Ten reasons to not sleep with your boyfriend before marriage

 I know this is a delicate subject, but I know that many of the people who follow me are young adults. Whenever I turn on the TV, I see everyone sleeping with everyone else. When I grew up in the 60s and 70s, only bad girls did this sort of thing, and you never saw it on TV.  But the free love movement of the Hippies began to take hold and now those same people are running the media and entertainment industry. They are cramming their non morals down our throats and I'm sick of it. Do not let the media or your TV or movies or your friends determine your value system. Why? Because their values are based on nothing but their own world view which is "if it feels good, do it".  Worldly values change. Why place your belief system on something that is always fluctuating and glorifies self?  So, what can we place our beliefs on? How about the unchangeable, immoveable Word of the Holy God who created you? I'm thinking that since He made me, He probably has a good idea what things would be healthy for me to do, and what things would do me harm. Just makes sense, right?   And He says in His word not to have sex with anyone without a marriage committment. It's called fornication. Look it up in your Bible and see what your Creator has to say about it.
Here's 10 reasons I came up with for doing what God says. Can you think of more?
  1. It will inhibit a deep friendship from growing. Sex is powerful and you'll find yourself focusing on that aspect of your relationship instead of getting to know each other on the inside.
  2. Regardless of what he says, it will lower your boyfriend's respect for you
  3. It can stop him from ever marrying you. Why should he commit when he's already got you?
  4. If the relationship doesn't work out, you've given away a part of yourself, you can never get back.
  5. It does not increase your love for each other. It can actually make you feel more insecure about the relationship.
  6. No matter how you may deny it, it will make you feel cheap
  7. Possibly pregnancy without a committment could end in disaster
  8. Sexual diseases
  9. If the relationship fails, it hurts far worse if you've been involved sexually than it does otherwise
  10. Statistical studies show that people who live together before marriage have a higher rate of divorce.


  1. I totally agree in every way! Besides, do you really want to be with someone for the rest of your lives that is pushing to do something you know is wrong? What are the chances of THAT relationship lasting?

    Great post. :)

  2. You rock. I'm linking to this in a post. Thanks

  3. Amen MaryLu! This is something that I tell my friends all the time when they ask me why I don't sleep around. The way I see it is this: God meant for sex to be a holy thing between man and wife. When you get married, the only person you want to share your bed with is your spouse, not all of those other women or men that the other spouse had been intimate with. I definetely plan to follow God's word on this-but too bad many of my friends don't.

  4. AMEN! I find it so frustrating that I'm often the only person in my college classes who believes in premarital abstainance - especially considering that many of the other students are Christians, too! They seem to think that all the Bible passages that tell people to wait are somehow "outdated." But this list you give is (well, should be) practical common sense, so the next time the issue gets brought up, I'll share some of these reasons.
    Thanks, MaryLu!

  5. Amen to that!! I completely hear what you are saying. All those things are true! Its really sad to see young girls giving away something so precious so willingly. What I have noticed before is that the people who do that are usually the ones that have family problems or had a bad past. That is really unfortunate and all I can do for them is pray. I am so lucky to have been raised by parents who care about me and love me and want me to grow into a pure and strong Christian lady.
    Thank you so much MaryLu for this post. Its so great, Im going to post these reasons on my face book so maybe my aunts will read it.
    God Bless you MaryLu and have a Blessed week!! You are beautiful and loved by God!!

  6. I came here from Abi's blog and I am glad you posted this.

  7. Amen! Great post MaryLu! It's a message for ALL but especially for young people.

  8. I fully expected to create some controversy from this blog post, but you all have been so kind and encouraging! It blesses me to no end to hear from young people who choose God's way before marriage. In this culture, HE will greatly bless you for your faithfulness! It makes me so excited just to think about it!!! God bless you!! It also makes me sad to know that many Christians have perverted God's word to fit their lifestyle. Unfortunately, consequences are difficult to live with. Take it from me.

  9. Thanks for your very good reasons. I think just the fact that the Bible straightforwardly condemns extra marital sex and praises purity ought to be enough for any Christian who really wants to obey God. But as you have reminded us there are some common sense reasons too! May I add "5 reasons to WAIT to have sex" that I got from a totally secular source:
    1) The sex will be better, your wedding night might be the best night of your life 2) You won't confuse chemistry with true compatibility or hormones for true affinity 3) You'll do it for the right reasons 4) You'll recognize responsibility for the consequences. Sex IS a big deal even if you'd like to think it's not (i.e. child, STD's, emotional pain of breakups, bad relationships, etc.) 5) It will improve you as a person, not make you a mess. You need intimacy BEFORE sex.

    The world badly needs young people who will choose God's way! Thanks for writing about them and may their tribe increase!

  10. Hey MaryLu ~ all good reasons and it is great you have shared this. With 3 daughters, I really want them to understand this! I can tell them it isn't only Mum and Dad that think it's a good idea - LOL!

  11. Thanks Diane for adding those additional 5 reasons. They are excellent!
    Yes, Rel, I have 4 daughters who I've tried to impress this upon. Unfortunately our culture is telling them just the opposite. It's a tough time to raise kids.

  12. I loved this entry, Marylu. Thank you!

  13. Thank u soo much for saying that! I am the product of sex before marriage and my mother had to give me up because she was too young and she has no other support
    it's true and one you may not have said is that it affects those round you. Now there is another child in the world without a connection to her parents because of foolishness before commitment. It hurt them and it hurt me. They can't take it back and will affect them for the rest of their lives. How xan a relationship that was so premature all of a sudden become as commital as marriage?

  14. According to Mark Gungor who has a series called Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage, he says that when a teen boy or even a young adult male has sex prior to marriage it's lust and not love and then when he makes love with his wife he is recreating that it has left a imprint on his brain that he can't undo. If a couple meets, courts, plans this ceremony, and then has a beautiful coming together on their wedding night that leaves the first imprint on both of them and there is no "lust" for him or for her a "bad" sexual experience. His DVD is awesome and very inlightening he's even taken it and done it for teens and young adults so they would be more aware of what they're doing.

  15. I wish my classmates would read this. All they talk about is sex, right behind my teacher’s backs. We’re just in junior high. I am so sick of hearing that kind of talk.


  16. I am glad that you had posted this MaryLu! =] I did post it on my face book wall, but it was around some crazy number of 1,000 letters long and could only fit 420. So that was fun to cut down. lol. Not really i liked the way you said it and didnt want to change it. But everyone likes the post! Yesss! =]

  17. I'm so sorry Dannielle that you are still suffering from the actions of your biological motehr and father. Yes, another product of SBM (Sex before marriage) So many others are hurt.
    Andi, that's really interesting about the imprint on the brain. And very sad too. And just another strong reason to follow God's way.
    Thanks for posting it on your FB, Tori!

  18. Those are all the reasons i have yet to engage in intimacy before marriage, along with the fact that God asks me not too. I loved that you wrote that and posted it to a blog! Amen to all of it!

  19. I first saw this on Goodreads which took me here. How cool is this. I can say for certain that your reasons are all "spot on" Marylu! That's why I write the type of fiction I do. And here's the thing...I am right in the middle of writing a book where these two young people who used to date in high school and have sex (before they were Christians) have found each other again and they are struggling with how to date and abstain. They have to question all of the things that happened before (they never did get intimate with anyone else, but that was the main thing they did in high school) so I thought I'd show how hard it is to date someone you've been intimate with before (now that they are both Christians) and the answer is....nearly impossible. Anyhoo...I'm sure you'll enjoy this story when it's done. It's the follow up to First Impressions.

  20. Thank you Michelle! Yes, I've never been in that situation, but I can imagine how difficult it would be. For those who don't know Michelle's work, she deals very well with sexual tension and desire from a Christian perspective. You may want to check out her books. They're awesome!

  21. To be honest with you, the reason why you haven't created a controversy is that your post is so stereotypically bigoted that people just won't bother commenting.

    But here are my comments about your 10 reasons:

    1. I don't deny that sexual dynamics are complicated, often leading people not to be open, etc., but this has very little to do with the sexual act itself. A couple who doesn't have sex still worries about the same sort of stuff (Will she like me? Can I do this or that without looking weak and less appealing?) that most other couples do.

    2. False. Not only do I respect my girlfriend, but I also respect women who sleep with whoever they want. I think sex is a natural thing, and as long as it is a consensual, informed decision, it's great. I actually have a deep respect for sexual workers, for instance.

    3. So basically you want women to blackmail men into marriage? Or, for that matter, for men to blackmail women into marriage, since women normally want sex just as much as men do? If you are getting into a relationship at all, you should be aware of what you want, and of what the other person wants, and then make an informed decision. If people want to be together, they will be together. No duty of any sort involved. No need for shackles.

    4. Bullshit. I've had sex and it was a lovely thing. If we break up, I'll always cherish those memories. I gained something instead of losing it.

    5. Sex sometimes does help increase people's love for one another, inasmuch as they get to know the other person more intimately and therefore have more to appreciate and love. And when sex makes people insecure, which sometimes does happen, it's hardly the fault of the act in itself. Like I said in #1, relationships are often fraught with insecurities even without sex.

    6. Nope. It doesn't. It really doesn't. If done right, it's a wonderful thing.

    7. It could, but it could not. It depends on each couple. But if you don't want a pregnancy, take the pill and use condoms simultaneously. In the unlikely chance you get pregnant, either have the baby, give it up for adoption, or abort. Note that married couples also have to make that decision. If I were married, I still wouldn't want to have children, so I have to say I'd want an abortion.

    8. Easily avoidable. Furthermore, viruses and bacteria don't care if you are married or not.

    9. Not necessarily, since sex means different things for different people. But it's bizarre that you claim this, since you say that sex inhibits deep friendships from growing. If there is no friendship, why would the person care if the relationship ended? Also: everything ends in life. If you're going to avoid things you love so you don't end up hurt later, you should give up your children, your parents and your friends, because they could all die at any moment.

    10. Source? Either way, even if this is true, it might just mean that people who live together before marriage are more likely to move on if their relationship is miserable. I think this is far better than being hopelessly stuck in a situation you hate, like some married couples are.

  22. In short, keep your life decisions to yourself. If you don't want to have sex, good for you, but don't misrepresent other people. Don't try to guess their motivations and feelings--if you don't want to look like a bigot, of course.

  23. Dear Anonymous, I thank you for your post. Obviously I struck a nerve with my observations on premarital sex for you to take so much time to type out your thoughts. Though I do not agree with your reasons anymore than you agree with mine, I believe both of us have a right to express our opinions. Hence, I'll leave your post up for others to ponder. After all, people should be given a chance to see both sides, don't you think? I'm sorry you think I'm a bigot simply because I disagree with you. I'm not intolerant of people who have sex before marriage. I just don't happen to think it's a good idea. But thank God, He granted us free will so we can all do what we feel is best for us.
    Please realize that I am a follower of Jesus and therefore do my best to follow what the Bible says, and this is my personal blog and hence a place where I express my views freely.
    I'm sorry if my post offended you in any way and I pray you'll feel at ease to drop by again sometime and express your opinions in a kind and thoughtful manner.
    God bless you, MaryLu

  24. I'm sorry if I was overly aggressive, but I did try to explain why I feel that way instead of just attacking you. Yes, it's something I feel passionate about, because certain things you express hurt people all over the world, even if unwittingly.

    My main issue with your post is that some of your claims are simply wrong. I don't mean morally, but factually. I don't agree with you that sex before marriage is undesirable, but I don't expect you to change your mind. I have my beliefs, and you have yours. That's fine. What I do hope is that you see how you are factually wrong.

    For example, take #2. You might think that sex before marriage is degrading. God, if He exists, might think it is degrading. I accept that. But why are you telling girls that their boyfriends will stop respecting them if they have sex? I don't doubt some will, particularly if they were raised in a Christian household. But that's simply not true in general. I can honestly say that I respect my girlfriend just as much as before, if not more.

    Basically, I'm not asking you to change your beliefs, but I want us to agree that certain facts are facts. Not all men have less respect for the women they sleep with. Not all women feel that virginity is a part of themselves that they lose. Some women feel that sex is something they share with a partner, and then both of them come out richer from the relationship.

    What I'm saying is that you can believe that sex before marriage is wrong in the eyes of God, and you can try to teach that to others. But don't say false things about us who have premarital sex. For example, if your female child has sex before marriage, she will not necessarily feel cheap. If she stops herself from having sex before marriage, I think it should be because she truly believes that it will be better for her--not because she's been taught that it would be cheap for her to do so.

    Many of us don't feel cheap nor dirty because of sex. All I want you to do is to acknowledge that we are happy. It makes us happy, and we lead fulfilling lives, emotionally speaking. Please don't use a misrepresentation of our lives as some sort cautionary tale.

  25. Dear Anonymous, Thank you for your comments. I don't mind that you are passionate about what you believe in. I love people who have passion. I feel very strongly about my beliefs as well. :-)
    Please understand that my 99% of my audience here are Christians, so that's who my post was written for. Our world view is entirely different from yours. So, it's understandable that we would see things differently.
    Before I came to believe that there was a God and He loves us and left us instructions on how to live, I, too, engaged in premarital sex. And I didn't feel cheap at all. So, I completely understand where you're coming from. And I'm not at all saying that you're using your girlfriend and don't respect her or that she feels cheap. I'm sure you have a wonderful, loving relationship.
    However, now that I'm a Christian, I can see how my actions have caused me great pain and regret and even some problems in my current marriage. From personal experience and from counseling many young girls, I have come across similar problems in their lives.
    But for those people who aren't sure that God even exists, I would not expect you to feel the same things about premarital sex as a Christian would.
    Please know that I intended no insult to you or your girlfriend or any other non-believers out there. My post was directed toward those of us who follow Jesus. He's not a God of rules. His desire is to show us how to live so we can get the most out of this life and the one beyond. And from my personal experience on both sides of the fence, His way is best.
    So, please forgive me and I hope we can be cyber-friends? Whatever you think of God or not, He does exist and He loves you more than you know.

  26. I totally agree!! I made a pledge to God and to myself that I would remain pure until marriage and I'm glad I did! :)

  27. MaryLu, I just happened to stumble across a link that led to me to another link that led me here, so this is my first visit to your blog.

    I've read through all the comments, and agree that you hit a nerve with "Anonymous", because of his prolonged and vigorous response.

    However, though I understand your not wanting to offend anyone, why should you apologize for what you stated in your post? It's in accordance with what Scripture tells us, and it's your belief.

    By its very nature, Truth offends. Christ is "a stone of stumbling and a rock of offense" -- not because He is bad, but because He is Truth, and "men loved darkness better than light because their deeds were evil." That's just how it is.

    But I'm glad you said what you did. I try to lead young people toward purity in their decision-making, but have seen far too many of them stunt their futures with teen pregnancies and poor choices in boyfriends/girlfriends, and therefore they now have lowered expectations of themselves, battle depression, and contend with myriad other issues. They are not shown examples in other areas of their lives, or by other adults, the rewards of self-control and delayed gratification.

    And few of the teens I work with are Christians or profess any sort of religion -- so where's all that "live and let live" attitude that Anonymous espouses?

  28. I am an Indian and in India having intimate relation before marriage is very seriously looked upon.
    I just bumped into ur article and I feel all the points u mentioned are valid (may be except 8 if properly dealt with)
    I feel bad that culture in few ofIndian cities started to change a bit these days.

    1. A lot of Indian culture is Primitive and disrespectful of human life! Indian males (most!!) abuse their women and treat them as second class citizens. They are an arrogant and cruel race, with a one way "tunnel - vision" mindset. Its their way or no way! I have no time nor respect for these people what so ever.... They also worship false gods,( ghanesh the elephant, and some other god with six arms or whatever!!!) I dont think our Heavenly Father will be too impressed with( most) the members of this culture... There are however some who believe and follow Jesus Christ , and have had their spiritual eyes opened, by The Lord Jesus...

  29. Thank you for your comment Sai. Long ago in America, we used to believe that sex before marriage was wrong as well. Our culture has changed so much in the past 60 years, it's hard to recognize it. I'm glad to hear India still has some morals. It's very sad to see those slip away. But we don't have to follow the path of our culture. We can choose to do what we know is right. Thanks again....

  30. @ Sai and @ MaryLu. I am Indian who lived in India and America both. I have dated in both places. In India concept of dating is love with no sex, which is like friendship in america. In America you cannot get in intimate relationship without getting intimate "sex". No premarital sex can have really bad impact on society which is very commonly followed in India.
    As you grow older and teenager, curiosity about opposite sex is quite common. Just as human being basic necessity is food, shelter and clothing so is love and sex. Sex is a natural urge and need of the body. So where are these young men in India suppose to get sex if they cannot get in relationship? So men behave like perverts, do eavteasing and sometimes can go upto rape.Whereas here in west you can go on date and over time 3 to 4 dates you can get laid. Although sex is not everything in relationship and life, but it is a very important part of life to keep you mentally and physically well. People who have no sexual experience after getting married can become violent in bed, with no clue about expectations from the partner.
    In the end I am not the one to judge on people's personal decisions about premarital sex but just presenting the views on how it affects the society. To me premarital sex promotes love and peace in society.

  31. Prashant, thank you for your comment and for your opinions. I respect our different views.
    I agree with you that sex is a very powerful human urge. It is natural and beautiful and God-made. However it is not a necessity like food and shelter. Many people throughout history have been celibate and have not become rapists. We don't need sex to live. We enjoy it, it feels good, and it completes a committed relationship, but we can survive without it.

    Humans have many natural urges, but what separates us from animals is that we can control our urges. We are not beasts and we have a strong sense of right and wrong. Otherwise we wouldn't be able to live in a civilized society if we all gave in to every urge that came over us.

    Having said that, I DO understand how powerful the urge for sex is and I know it takes a great deal of self-control in today's society to resist it. All I'm saying is that God gave us this incredible gift of sex, but because it is so powerful, He put restrictions on it.. for our own good, so we would enjoy it to the fullest and not use it to tear our lives apart. The Bible says that when you have sex with someone you give up part of your soul.. part you can never get back. The two become one in more ways than physical.. in spiritual as well..
    However, if you don't believe in God, this will make no sense to you.. and I understand that.
    Thank you for taking the time to express your views.